State of mind at midnight

My mind is full of catacombs. Orderly chaos. Channels of confusion leading from one place to another. Sometimes merging, sometimes segregating even farther. There is passion and thirst for knowledge. Duties and urge for freedom. Responsibilities and love. Panic and Peace. Happiness and Fear. They all co-exist. Sometimes they surge out all at once, then chaos reigns. I have to hold myself, say to my own self that it will be all right, I will be unconditionally happy. But then I think to feel happiness I have to know what despair feels like. My head and my heart in a conflict I stare at the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling. I contemplate on my existence. What am I actually here for? To sing? To write? To heal? My fate changed, my life changed… all I am here for is to learn, to explore. I get one life. About 75-80 years. I have already lived for 1/4th of my life and what have I actually done? Is this quarter life crisis? Trying to find my place in this mess of a world? Maybe this search never stops. We have one experience after another, we learn and we revise and we relive all the moments… good or bad. We also relive our parents’ moments, just to learn more. As Mufasa said, “It’s a circle of life” an endless circle. No edges, no ends.
All these thoughts come to me and I wonder, is my mind the most clear in the middle of the night? I have my best plans then… but what if its just ‘midnight mania?’ No. Whatever I write is there somewhere inside of me. It’s all there, the ability to plan and to follow them through. I know I can rise above the expectations and the responsibilities. I can be a better person for myself and for others around me. But I have not sprouted the wings yet. I’m learning still. I’m yet bound by the duties. I will fulfill them all and go beyond what people expect of me. I will give it all my best shot. And in the end I will soar high. All alone. My own guide, my own follower.


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